Imposter syndrome

I was sitting in a meeting today, discussing a potential new project with some colleagues that I had only ever spoken to via email before, when I had a horrible sensation of time slowing down. I was still speaking, and I must have carried on at normal speed because they didn't react at all, but it felt like I was movingly through treacle. Apologies for the cliche, but sometimes the worst words are the best.

So there I am, treacle and all, in a meeting room, having the realisation that I don't deserve to be there. I haven't earned this job, I can't bring anything to the role, with these poor people stuck listening to me thinking that I'm stupid.

Except of course none of that is true.

I like my job, I worked hard to get it and work hard now that I have it, and when I'm feeling positive I know that I am good at it. Let's be honest, it boils down to playing with spreadsheets and telling people what to do so I'm pretty much in my element.  The people I'm talking to are listening, listening intently, and agreeing, and making notes and the meeting is going really well.

But still, it is there. The nagging doubt that someone is going to burst into the room and drag me out, ringing a bell and shouting "imposter, imposter", in a Monty Python "bring out your dead" style only 100% less funny.

There are lots of reasons why this happened today, rather than any other day; my health has been bad this last couple of days. I'm overweight and feeling low about it. I have background stresses. It's still a fairly new job and I'd not met these people before so wanted to make a good impression.

But something was different today. I didn't have a panic attack, or start sweating, or try to run away. I kept breathing, and I dealt with it, and I told the voices in my head to shut the hell up because dammit they were wrong. I can do this, I'm not dressing up and pretending to do my job, I'm doing it, five days a week every week. You know something? It felt good to shut those voices down for once.

Next time I might not manage it, they might get the better of me, like they would have done six months ago, but not today.

Today I stood my ground and planted my flag.

Today, I won.

Pull list 05/06/13 the "not so much Big Two as Big Who" edition

As our time with out current suppler / LCS winds down, so does our list of books. Now that Wrath of the First Lantern (or whatever the latest Green Lantern universe event was called, we are down to a very small number of DC books, and were it not for Marvel bringing out Kick-Ass 3, they wouldn't even show on the list at all this week.

Image once again reign supreme as my favourite publisher, a trend that I anticipate will continue as we wend our way into the murky waters of finding a new weekly supplier. I swear, reading / buying comic books is worse than having a drug habit! On which unsavoury note, here are the weeks books...

DC

Green Lantern #21 

DYNAMITE

Garth Ennis Red Team #3

IDW

Colonized #3 

Locke & Key Omega #5

IMAGE

68 Jungle Jim #3 

Bedlam #7

East Of West #3

MARVEL

Kick-Ass 3 #1

INDYS

Uber #2 

Herobear And The Kid Special #1 

Pull list 30/5/13 - the "delayed because of another bank holiday" edition

Thanks to a combination of the bank holiday and my lcs having the worst courier company in the world, this weeks book have been delayed by a day.

The entire world seems to be looking forward to the new Brain Wood take on the (all female) X-Men, but I will be totally honest and admit I am only getting it to make sure that my run of Skottie Young baby variant covers is complete! If I enjoy the first issue then I'll pick up the first trade when it comes out, but I'm not going in with any expectations.

On with the list then...

Dark Horse:

Dragon Age Until We Sleep #3

DC:

Justice League Of America #4 

IDW:

Danger Girl Trinity #2 

My Little Pony Micro-Series #4 Fluttershy 

Image:

Lost Vegas #3 e

Mind The Gap #10 

Thief Of Thieves #14

Marvel

X-Men #1 - Skottie Young Baby Cover

Pull list 22/05/13 - the "Lantern heavy" edition

It's almost like the old days looking at this weeks picks, eleven new books coming out!

It should be a good week for MrGiantwoman, he has four new DC books this week, plus new Deadpool and the second issue of the bizarre (but rather good) Miniature Jesus.

From my point of view Revival is one of those books that just keeps getting better and better, so I'll be settling in with that (and maybe a cheeky glass of wine) this evening.

DC

Batman Lil Gotham #2

Flash #20 

Green Lantern New Guardians #20 (Wrath Of The First Lantern Tie-In)

Green Lantern #20 (Wrath Of The First Lantern Tie-In)

Red Lanterns #20 (Wrath Of The First Lantern Tie-In)

Image

Five Ghosts Haunting Of Fabian Gray #3

Miniature Jesus #2

Revival #10

Marvel

Deadpool Vol #10

Indys

Adventure Time #16 

Adventure Time Fionna & Cake #5 

Pull list 15/05/13 - the "my money saving plan is finally working" edition

So, finally the pull list is down to a manageable number of titles, and I can stop despairing at the size of the "to be read"  long box, and actually start reading some of them!

Fingers crossed this will mean a few more articles coming up on here in the near future.

Saving money may have just been ruined though, as I've been offered a ticket to MCM at the end of the month, and I can't decide whether to trust my brain and pass on it, or to use my normal approach and grab it with both hands. Hmm...

While I ponder, here are this weeks books:

DC

Fables #129

Dynamite

Bionic Man vs Bionic Woman #5

IDW

My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic #7 

Image

It Girl & The Atomics #10

Pull list 08/05/13 - the "I wonder if the bank holiday will mess up the delivery this week" edition!

After a great time at Free Comic Book Day in London, visiting Orbital and Forbidden Planet - managing not to pick up any free books in the process - it is a nice quiet week for myself and MrGiantwoman, which might be even quieter if the delivery hasn't turned up today. Only one way to find out!

Without further ado, here is today's list:

DARK HORSE

Star Wars (Dark Horse) #5

DC

Green Lantern Corps #20 (Wrath Of The First Lantern Tie-In)

Justice League Of America #3 

IDW

Rocketeer Hollywood Horror #4

Chin Music #1

MARVEL

Deadpool #9

INDEPEDENTS

Uber #1

Plus of course an FCBD titles that we asked them to get for us!

Pull list 01/05/13 - the "calm before the storm" edition

A nice quiet week, which I can do the before the Green Lantern 1:1 scale replica I am expecting some time in the next couple of weeks turns up. The LCS got a job lot of Green Lantern trades in last week and somehow (no names mentioned MrGiantwoman...) a number have ended up in our box. A quiet day today should give me a chance to grab a couple of those, as I need some GL inspiration for a potential cosplay that is currently in the works...

Once again Image take the lead, although only two books this week are for me, and neither are Image, shockingly. 


DC

Fairest #15 - looking forward to reading Sean Williams new storyline.

Dynamite

Game of Thrones #14

IDW

Colonized #2

Image

68 Jungle Jim #2

Epic Kill #10